Holly Would If She Could

I sent out Christmas greeting cards a few weeks ago from Garrett and I (SCORE! FINALLY!) and at the last minute I decided to include a link to this website because I thought for friends and family far away it might be fun to be check in once in a while to see how our little family is doing outside of a once a year greeting card.

It seemed like a good idea at the time but then I was making my list of people to give them to I kept coming across a weird subsection of people that I just didn’t feel like advertising this space too: “My boss? Yeaaaaah, hmmm…probably not.”  Not that I say anything crazy offensive here, but you know what I mean, right? RIGHT. Anyway, eventually they all got out the door and I didn’t really think another thing of it.

But then I realized that for a few days the leading story on this site was about my ER trip and I wanted to send out a mass email that said: FAMILY AND FRIENDS I DON’T NORMALLY TALK ABOUT MY OVARIES HERE! SWEARSIES! But instead I mostly just patted myself on the back again for having the forethought not to send that particular card to my boss. 🙂

I can’t believe tomorrow is Christmas!As such, I’m going to utter the most repeated phrase of the last few weeks: Where the heck has this year gone? 2014 and I had a complicated relationship. There were so, so many highs! But sometimes when the highs get higher, the lows feel lower, you know? Complex seems like the best word to use as I look back in reflection.

The next couple of days are going to fly by in a whirlwind of friends and family and I plan to take time to just savor those interactions and marinate a little bit about what I want 2015 to look like. The last two years have been a real challenge for me, and I feel confident and excited about what’s to come.

I’ve spent the last 6 months of this year a little bit quieter than usual here because I have allowed the noise in my head and in my life to dominate. I have had some wonderfully enlightening experiences this year. I have had some great success. I have failed spectacularly — epically, even. Overall, I have learned some good lessons.

There is so much good stuff on the horizon I can’t help but feel energized and excited to see it unfold. For those of you who have stuck around here during this tough couple of years: Thank you. You have given me perspective, support, advice, and most importantly your comments and encouragement have made me laugh hysterically and feel like the world is just the tiniest bit smaller and less overwhelming.

Happiest of holidays to you and your families. I hope I can return the favor in 2015!

xo,

Holly, Garrett + Buster

PS – Before the end of the year I’m going to try and do some annual recapping and then I will DEFINITELY be posting some goals for 2015. I’ve been a little lax about them the last couple of years and I miss it – so if you are into that sort of thing: it’s coming!

So that last post was kind of a downer — week from hell, YUCK! But November didn’t end with all doom and gloom I promise, it was just that one week. Once I got to my mom’s, was on vacation from work, and spent some time with family things started looking right up!

Hanging with my mom for a few days while Garrett was out of town meant a lot of relaxing, a lot of giggling, A LOT of online shopping (Black Friday — OOF! But as you might know, my mom is a professional shopping enabler) and a lot of terrible tv watching.

We both really love indulging in bad reality tv and doing it together? EVEN BETTER!  🙂 The time I spent out at her house made me officially addicted to Kim of Queens. OMG, do you watch this? It’s so bad it’s good and it may be my new obsession!

We didn’t spend ALL our time inside watching terrible reality tv though, I promise. We took Buster on lots of walks and really enjoyed all of the fall foliage. I know it’s cliche, but honestly this totally *is* the most wonderful time of year – especially here in California.

It’s brisk outside, you definitely want to have on a jacket or perhaps an aran scarf, but it is still really pleasant to be outside. My mom lives around a golf course and lots of people were outside and there was relaxing energy out there.  I really really enjoyed myself, and of course so did Buster.

(He gets to sleep in a King Sized bed at Grandma’s and boy does he take up every possible inch!)

We spent Thanksgiving with my aunt and uncle and although it was small (and I definitely missed my grandma) we had a really delicious meal: Turkey, my uncle’s famous stuffing (OMG, I dream about it all year long), sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, brussels sprouts with bacon, and this year we made this heavily pinned autumn chopped salad.

Seriously: GO MAKE THAT SALAD.

For Thanksgiving we skipped the bacon (WHAT?) since we were having bacon in our brussels sprouts and it was amazing! Last night I made it for Garrett because it was so dang good and he had missed it at Thanksgiving. I skipped the bacon again because this time I served with sliced pork belly on top. It was like a 20 minute meal and so incredibly BOMB! I really enjoy the pork belly from Trader Joe’s. It’s affordable, convenient (and most importantly) HELLA DELISH. 🙂

Anyway, good stuff happened and I felt like it was worth sharing. What did your Thanksgiving menu look like?

Well I did mostly ok on my Nablopomo-esque blogging until about mid month. I hit our anniversary on November 17th and then that was about it.

Our anniversary fell on the Monday of what I would basically call Hell Week. (How celebratory! HA) It happened the week before Thanksgiving, and boy am I grateful for that anniversary and the tasty shrimp dinner we had (recipe coming soon!) because it was nice to have that mellow night together because come Tuesday the week went downhill real quick.

Brief Recap:

Tuesday of Hell Week: Both Garrett and I had Big! Important! Work! Things! that were going to be happening on Wednesday morning so Tuesday was sort of a wash of preparation, and nervously encouraging each other from opposite ends of the couch. Garrett had an interview the following day for a big promotion and I had a 10 minute presentation that was a culminating project for a year long Leadership Development program that I was selected to participate in at work.

Both important things.

Both happening on the same day.

AT THE EXACT SAME TIME.

Oh man, it was so poorly timed it was almost kind of funny. ALMOST.

Also: that Tuesday we had a little snafu finalizing our contract for our wedding venue. We had expected to have a full bar and the contract read beer and wine only and for a second it was almost a deal breaker. NOT STRESSFUL AT ALL. YEESH!

In the end we ended up pleading our case (I think the fact that we are old people who work in insurance and finance helped. Yes, we’d like to throw a party with scotch, but NO, we don’t plan to be serving shots at the bar) so it all worked out.

It was an inopportune night for all of that to go down, let me tell ya! But in the end, we have a wedding venue! (I’ve been hunting online for photographers who have shot at this location and this was a fun one if you want to get an idea of where we’re getting hitched.)

Wednesday of Hell Week: I was up at 3:30am because: HEY-O ANXIETY. I’m not a good sleeper when I’m nervous, so I thought hey, why not design a Christmas Card and check something off that has been on your list of annual goals FOR-LIKE-EVER, and actually send some them out this year. (CHECK!)

It seemed like a reasonable thing to do at the time. 🙂

Garrett slept in a little longer (he is actually a hibernating bear when he is anxious which makes me so, so jealous!) and as we got ready in the morning it was like you could cut the anxiety tension with a knife. Both of us just kept looking at each other like “Hey” :::shallow breathing:::  “You’re going to do great”  :::weak, half smile::: It was so sad and funny. I think we really realized how much we count on each other for moral support during tough times because we were both nervous nellies and could hardly muster the energy to support each other when usually one of us is doing cheerleader style pep talks. It was a weird morning.

But in the end, my speech? Went off without a hitch. And Garrett’s interview?  Well HE GOT THE JOB. Woooo Hooo (But we didn’t know that until 10 days later.) Wednesday night neither of us wanted to cook so we grabbed some takeout and came home to spend some quality time with the pooch since you can imagine we weren’t as cuddly as usual with all that stuff going on. Oh, and also — Garrett had to pack.

Yep, the following day Garrett was hopping on a plane to go see his parents in New Mexico for TEN DAYS.  After such a crazy week it felt like craptacular timing! We were just about to have time to exhale and pay attention to each other, but instead…

Thursday of Hell Week: We woke up at 3:45am because Garrett’s flight out left at an ungodly hour. It worked out just fine though because I had to be at work early that day because among other things I had meetings every hour on the hour and needed to play catch up before being completely occupied and “on” all day. When I got home Thursday night I was so exhausted and all I wanted to do was curl up on the couch with Garrett and catch a movie but our house was super quiet and empty which felt weird and un-relaxing.

What’s That Noise? Is it my dad?

And Buster was a raging lunatic dog (missing Garrett, of course, which always makes him a little on edge.) Also, on Thursday night I was sitting on the couch when I heard a random popping noise coming from my abdominal area. It was out of nowhere and sort of painful and I MEAN REALLY? I was too tired to deal with it so I went to bed.

Friday of Hell Week: My plan was to work a half day because I was going to get some errands done Friday afternoon. As you can imagine I was not at all productive during the week with so much work and life shiz going on, so I was planning to annihilate my ever growing To Do List after a few Friday meetings. Of course when I woke up Friday morning that mystery abdominal pain had gotten worse. It wasn’t excruciating or anything so I figured I’d just make myself a little coffee and deal with it in the afternoon.

Ah yes, coffee. Did I mention I started full on drinking glorious, glorious caffeinated coffee Wednesday morning. All I can say is that I wouldn’t have gotten through Friday without it. It was like superhero juice. I went back to caffeine free living by Saturday, but holy hell I miss it. It’s like Day and Night. 🙁

Anyway, so Friday — I hit up my meetings and the pain was getting worse so I called the Advice Nurse and talked through my problems and she was like “Oh hey, Mystery Abdominal Pain, yeah you need to head over to the Emergency Room like ASAP” and by late afternoon when Garrett texted me “TGIF are you totally ready to enjoy your Friday night of the craziest week ever?”  I just texted back this picture with the caption “Change of Plans.”

Cliffs Notes on the ER: Ruptured Ovarian Cyst.

WONDERFUL. (I’m still questioning that diagnoses, but that’s a whole other story.) So instead of spending my Friday night having a glass of wine with my honey, I was sock-less in a cold ER asking questions like “You’re going to put that Ultra Sound wand WHERE?”

Yeaaaaaaaaah, not ideal.

*****

So, all of that to say: That was the week I didn’t “make time” to blog, and while I wish I would have popped in to say hello I’m pretty sure anything I wrote from that week would have been 1000+ words that equated to WTF? On Saturday, still feeling super craptastic, I packed up my comfy clothes and my pup and headed out to my mom’s house to pretty much pull a Back Home Baller type situation until Thanksgiving.

I was bummed because I missed out on some plans that I had made, but honestly, after that crazy week – a little parental TLC was just what the doctor ordered.

A month ago today I turned 36. I thought about making a list of things to do before I turn 37, but instead I celebrated it by acknowledging two startling (to me) realizations about myself:

1. I am an undercover people pleaser.

2. I have allowed my self worth to become directly tied to the things I accomplish.

Ok, so who wants me to plan their next “celebration?” — Let’s start by having everyone line up single file. 🙂

(I this demonstrates pretty clearly why I have panicked feelings about wedding planning, yes?)

All kidding aside though, I did spend some time around my birthday (as I usually do) navel gazing about who I am, where I am going, what the hell I am doing with my life and those were two of the biggest (and most shocking, frankly) things that shook out.

On the people pleasing front, I mention undercover because I think if you know me in real life you know that (in the wise words of Eric Cartman) I do what I want. I am fairly stubborn in my pursuits, and I don’t have a problem with other people thinking I’m absolutely crazy – I will gladly carry on. In fact, I mentioned this people pleasing theory to Garrett over my birthday dinner and he actually choked on his food a bit laughing out loud.

But here is where I’m going with this: Yes, I do what I want. But that is only one element of the equation.

I have realized that in the past few years that I have defined “what I want” largely by a need for outside approval. If someone is dangling a carrot, I feel very compelled to demonstrate how good I can be at chasing it. It’s almost an animal instinct. And when you fold in a carrot dangler telling me I *shouldn’t* chase it, or that I likely won’t have success chasing it — watch my motivation is almost super human.

I am incredibly stubborn, focused and persistent. But where do those things actually get me? I am steadfast at proving people wrong? I am good at ignoring everything and being laser focused? I love to give the finger to people who doubt me? All of those things, while useful in moderation, added up day to day they are not the most loving and joyful way to life.

This smacked me in the face this year because I have spent so much time feeling so lost, while simultaneously getting more accolades than ever for my successes and accomplishments. But that also leads right into realization number two.

It has become an easy habit to define myself (and ultimately how I am feeling about myself) by the things that I accomplish. I’m sure this isn’t hard to believe about me if you have been reading this blog for any length of time. My whole life for so long has been structured around goals and the future and what’s next and what’s the plan. I have found that a very comfortable way to live, aside from the fact that I am always anxiously waiting for the future to get here so I can decide how to feel. This lifestyle is taxing, both emotionally and physically, because it feels like nothing is ever done. Nothing is ever complete unless someone says “Yes! Good job! You’re done!” and then I panic because what is next?

On a number of occasions I have found myself — mid successful efforts — wondering why the hell I am even doing something. But deciding to change course, or put a particular goal on hold would cause me fear and anxiety. And don’t even get me started on how incredibly hard on myself for the things that I perceive as actual “failures.” If something works out different than I have planned, my knee jerk assumption has been than I wasn’t enough. I could have planned better. I could have done better. I could have been better.

I know rationally that life is fluid and that things change and goals evolve. My brain understands that nothing is actually ever a failure, it’s all just an opportunity to learn something new, try a new route, give up something that isn’t serving us any longer. But man is that a practice. And at some point in the past year this idea of reconciling efforts with accomplishments became an exhausting full time endeavor and I just wanted to find another way to live. How do I get to a place where I can just be, and be okay with that?

I’ve struggled to find a way to share this here because obviously it feels incredibly vulnerable. I know the a portion of the audience of this website is filled with people I know in real life who I probably wouldn’t run up to and strike up this conversation. Also, there is a tiny voice in my head that is saying this sounds whiny and self involved and there is nothing I’m more scared of being than weak an un-self-aware. But I think it’s relevant because I have talked a lot about goals in the past and there is part of me that wants to keep doing that because I know it resonates with a lot of people. But there is also a part of me that needs to let that go and learn to appreciate who I am when I am not living my life on an accomplishment bender.

Trying to prove that I am worthy over and over has only served to insidiously reinforce this insecurity that I think we all have that we need to be fixed. If we could only lose a few pounds, make a bit more money, get married, have a baby, insert random goal here, then… Then, what? Then I’d be okay? Then I’d be acceptable? Then I’d be worth acknowledging? I don’t know, and therein lies the challenge.

I want to work on feeling great in the moment and not thinking about what I can accomplish in the future that will make me great. And for me, I think that means I need to stop trying to exercise control on every area of my life. If I’m being honest, it panics me to think about life without structure – to live without mapping out my end destination as well as all the stops in between. But I have also come to realize that some of the greatest moments in my life have happened when I have veered off course and allowed myself to be lean into uncertainty rather than control. I have absolutely no idea how to navigate all of that, but I have a feeling as with most things in life, the lesson will be revealed once I start on the journey. So I see you out there 37, but I think I’m just going to stay right here and focus on enjoying 36.

I think fall may finally be here in Sacramento. This weekend the high will only be 72. HOORAY! 🙂

While the leaves around town are turning, my favorite tree in the backyard is still holding on to its green leaves. The other night we noticed the tips turning red and I can’t wait until it is fiery and gorgeous and I take my annual cheesy picture of it where I pretend like we are having picturesque New England Autumn. (Mel, I AM JEALOUS!)

I know many people hate the time change but I FREAKING LOVE less daylight. It doesn’t bother me at all to get home from work and have it be fairly dark because I am basically always ready to put comfy clothes on and curl up with Buster and Garrett on the couch.

Speaking of comfy clothes — can we talk about loungewear? I have some epic loungewear that I love – best cozy flannel pants ever, fleecy half zip pullover, fuzzy slippers. But it’s all dark colors, covered in Buster hair and the other day I caught sight of myself in the mirror and looked exactly like this:

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH….too bad I had already answered the door in that outfit because the mailman was dropping of a package. Delayed mortification!

So loungewear: I need some new stuff.

But it can’t just be any stuff. I feel sort of particular about my cozy clothes. Obviously they need to be warm. And cozy. And SUPAH DUPAH comfy because duh, it’s for lounging. But I also want to be able to cook and clean and do stuff around my house while wearing them but also be able open the door to my mailman an not look like I’m coming out of a trash can, ya know?

It seems like it wouldn’t be that hard, and yet.

I find that a lot of fun lounge pants at places like Target are super cute and stuff, but they’re thin and sort of see through which is not the vibe my mailman is going for. Hell, I don’t know, maybe he is into that, but it’s not the vibe I AM GOING FOR! And the dog hair thing. My dog is white and fluffy and sheddy and fortunately FOR ME, he loves to cuddle. Unfortunately FOR MY DARK COLORED LOUNGEWEAR, he loves to cuddle. But I don’t really feel like prancing around the house in winter white, you know? Especially if I’m cooking some kind of dinner situation, it just never ends well.

Snug as a bug in a rug!

So I’m sending out a smoke signal. What do you wear around the house when you want to be cozy but still look sort of cute? We can’t all be looking Oscar the Grouch-ish can we? And if we are, let me know so I can feeling this sexy housewife guilt mmmmkay?