This is actually supposed to be a comment on your post from the 14th, but for some reason that webpage doesn’t exist so I’m leaving it here.
I read your post about your birthday when you first posted it but wanted to read it one more time before responding. You put into words a lot of what i’ve been thinking this past year. I realized that start to feel really down/sad when I don’t have a goal I’m working towards. Which was no big deal in high school and even college. There is always that goal of “finish your degree, do well.” But once I became an adult, especially when I was moving from job to job, the end goal wasn’t always clear.
I remember a few evenings talking to my boyfriend where I told him, “I’m in a job that isn’t going anywhere, I don’t have a career, i’m not learning anything new, and YOU haven’t proposed yet so it’s not like I’m heading towards marriage/family life. So what the hell am I doing?!” Not my proudest moment.
I think it’s great that you’re sharing your inner struggles on your blog. A) because I feel like a lot of it resonates with me and B) personal stories make blogs more personal.
Let us know how the whole “living without structure” goes. Just that thought makes me panic. Although giving up coffee also makes me panic and you’re doing that, so I think you’ll probably succeed with the other.
PS. i can’t remember if you’ve already read “The Happiness Trap.” I have a vague memory that you have. Every time I talk about this lost feeling my girl friend tells me I need to read it.
Me too, sister. I truly made myself get over it way back in my 20s when I spent a summer learning to row in a 4-man boat. The four of us bonded and went out for coffee after every session.
One of the women on our little crew had lost her leg to bone cancer when she was 11. She had one of those awesome open personalities – this is me, take it or leave it, and there she was, fully participating in a sport that is 75% leg strength.
It’s pretty hard to get all snarled up with self consciousness about cellulite or a belly when your crewmate is totally cool about a big and nasty scar on a leg that ends mid-thigh.
After that, I started buying shorts again for summertime, and bringing my bathing suit everywhere so I could swim wherever there an opportunity presented itself. Yep, even in winter, I carry my bathing suit in my suitcase (what if there was a snow storm and we had to stop at a hotel that had an indoor pool?)