Our Lake Tahoe weekend was just what it needed to be and allowed me a good amount of time to read, lounge and think about everything going on in my life right now. There are A LOT of good things. But also, when I have a little bit of quiet time, or time when I am not rushing around to complete the next task on my To-Do List, there are a lot of things that need to be looked at with a slightly more careful eye.
I wish I came home with some gorgeously edited photos and grand epiphanies, but mostly I just came home realizing that I’ve got a bit of a windy road in front of me. Things in my life are sorely out of balance. Too much work. Not enough sleep. Too much rushing. Not enough time. Too many expectations. Not enough planning. Too many projects. Too much distraction. Too much coffee. (Wait can there ever be too much coffee? ) I’m sure you know what I’m saying though.
The year that my dad died I somehow came across this book. I think Oprah was probably reading it or something, so it wasn’t like I had made an important discovery, but it was something that I happily absorbed at a time when my heart was broken and my soul was an emotional sponge. I read those short essays daily and during a time of serious tumult, it grounded me. Hell, it grounded my life moving forward in the idea that no matter what is happening in this moment, we all have the ability to hit the pause button, re-examine our situation, find what is working and let that lead us to the real gifts of life. Powerful stuff, really.
The essays were really quick hits — an idea to throw out there and then move forward — no homework or selfy-helpy exercises, but there was one right in the beginning of the book that still I think about often. It was called Standing Knee Deep In A River Dying of Thirst, and fifteen years after reading it I still use it as a red flag indicator in my life. As we drove home from Tahoe on Sunday, I thought to myself how glad I was that we had gone: Good friends, fun shenanigans, a gorgeous house, a relaxing agenda — but in the end, I was still feeling incredibly thirsty — and it’s the thirst that always makes me pause.
Right now in my life I am juggling so many puzzle pieces but I just can’t seem to fit them all together into something that makes sense. Instead everything feels like a jumbled mess — the food we are eating is less than stellar, my training is hit or miss, my sleep is AWFUL, my work schedule is like an 8 hour race against the clock/cortisol fest. And with all of that going on, my agenda just keeps getting longer. There are lots of good things too, but the time for those things seems few and far between right now. I’m not reading. I’m not connecting with those people who are important to me. I’m not making time to actively recover. And it was clear to me this weekend that I was going to have to make some changes. So all in all, it was exactly what I needed. And while I’m not sure exactly what it all means right now, or what it is going to look like in the future, I’m open to finding out.