Since I am fond of the idea of gratitude I thought this would be a nice reminder. A gratitude placeholder, if you will. A note to myself, so the next time I feel like the world is crumbling around me because Whole Foods is (ONCE AGAIN) out of my favorite salad dressing, I can have a little perspective.

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Dear Holly,


Life is incredibly good right now. Savor it.


For instance, last night you slept 10 uninterrupted hours in a row because you were tired. Life is free like that – when you are tired, you sleep. When you are hungry, you cook something delicious. When there are errands to be run, you hop in the car and make that To-Do List your bitch. Weekends are easy, weeknights hold a multitude of opportunities — enjoy this, because right now your life is your own, and that freedom is a gift.


Give yourself a pat on the back – you have lost 80 lbs, girl! While it seems easier to focus on what you have left to lose, seriously take a minute and wrap your brain around your accomplishments. You are stronger than you have ever been, weigh less than you have in the last decade, and feel like nothing is beyond your reach. Enjoy your confidence in your abilities.  Appreciate the pride you have in your body.  Even though it isn’t perfect (and probably never will be, so quit seeking that while we’re at it) you have earned it!  Each muscle is a testament, every bruise has a story to tell.  You have found a way of eating and a fitness program that has completely relieved your life of diet and exercise noise. And on top of that, it has been a success! Some people struggle with this their whole lives, be grateful you have made peace with this at 32.  You have the rest of your life to get to the perfect weight/size/skill level – it is not a race. Don’t forget to enjoy the process and keep up the good work.


Speaking of enjoying the process, you are in the healthiest and best relationship of your life. Remember when you were young and single and felt like you would never find that person who perfectly shared your offbeat sense of humor, yet was also adorable, responsible, and totally up for any adventure? Remember the nights in your early 20s, mid 20s, and even in your late 20s when you thought — Will I ever find someone AT ALL???  Well you found him. The Relationship Holy Grail, Holly, now sleeps beside you every night. When you remind yourself of how much you wanted this, and relive the work it took to get you where you are now, let your feelings of gratitude be overwhelming. The next time he forgets to pick up the meat share or adds paprika to the crock pot instead of chili powder, or wants to explain to you every specific nuance about how to drive your car – choose to laugh about it instead of getting frustrated. And the next time someone gives you a hard time about not being married yet, remember that you are not under any obligation to follow someone else’s timeline. Married or not, you are luckier than ever to have this kind of love.


Also remember to love your job. Yes the job that seems to start just a little bit too early each day. The one that requires you sit at a desk in a cubicle during some of the most beautiful days of summer?  Yep, that’s the one. Love that job.  Remember that this is the job that is supporting both you and Garrett in a very comfortable manner. It wasn’t that long ago that you were stressfully living paycheck to paycheck and crying over credit card bills and wondering how you would ever make it as a functioning adult. Remember those days? I know you do because it was only 5 or 6 years ago, you can’t already be that senile. That is so far from the reality of your daily life now it is laughable, and for that, say thank you. So what if you are not doing EXACTLY what you want to be doing, when you want to be doing it. You have realized by now that if you really want something, you have the skills to make it happen. So if that’s the problem, then MAKE IT HAPPEN. But in the meantime, don’t mope about your current opportunities. Remember what a fabulous opportunity you are cultivating RIGHT NOW in that cubicle, no matter how small it is. Someone, somewhere would love that opportunity and for now, it’s sitting right there in the palm of your hand — so care for it. Don’t be a jerk about it.


Enjoy your family, because they will not always live nearby. Remember those days of living in LA and having to hop on a plane to hang out with your mom? Well now on a whim you can A to Z every aisle of Target with her, and you know there is no better shopping enabler.  You can BBQ with your family, or watch your baby cousin learn to crawl, or have a fun night out that doesn’t involve getting super dressed up because when you hang out with good friends the dress code is always comfy. And you can do all of this with relatively little scheming because everyone is right there in your backyard. Yes, someday you may want to live somewhere that is a little more exotic than Sacramento, CA. But for now, you have a wealth of love right in your backyard. Appreciate the fact you’re your current zip code means that loneliness is never a defining emotion in your life, and this is a gift you have wished for in the past.


These are awesome times and life is good. Things will always change – some will get better and some will get worse — but right now, make sure to acknowledge that you are lucky. And if you remember only one thing from this letter, please remember that.


Love,


Holly

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I was a very good kid growing up. Dangerously good, actually. In high school I earned good grades, never missed curfew, and I had mostly nice friends who, like me, couldn’t wait to get into college and start our “real lives”. BAHAHAHAHA. Oh, how I would love to go back to the “Real Life” that was college. But towards the end of my Senior Year, shortly after I turned 17, all hell broke loose.


One of the things I decided to stop doing was going to class regularly.  Calculus and Government — who needed them?  I had sent in my college applications, Senior-itis had officially settled in, and I felt like I should be able to come and go as I pleased since I was (almost) an adult, DAMMIT. (Feel free, again, to insert hysterical laughter here.)  I had a good friend who was totally with me on this, so we spent a number of mornings leaving the school parking lot to go hang out over breakfast at Dennys, or to drive down to the local Starbucks (where we both worked at the time) to flaunt just exactly how Too Cool For School we were to our fellow co-workers, who were sooooo lucky to be in Junior College, we thought. 

You can imagine how thrilled my parents were each day when they would get a call from the attendance secretary wondering where I was in 5th period. Our house was full of arguments during those days and I am certain I have ordered up an extra large portion of Shitty Kid Karma for my behavior during those few months alone. One day during the height of all of the turmoil, instead of receiving a phone call from the attendance secretary, my parents received a call from a hospital in a town 45 minutes away.  We had decided to skip school altogether and hit up a big mall a few towns over, and after a day of shopping we headed back home to be right on time to act like we had spent the day studying as we had both promised our parents the night before. But due to the rainy afternoon, a bit of road construction, and being inexperienced teenagers behind the wheel, we didn’t actually make it home.


It is the worst car accident I have been in as a passenger, to date.  We crossed 4 lanes of traffic, hit a few other cars, and proceeded to roll down an embankment into a ditch in a 1989 Volkswagen Fox. The feeling of fear that surrounds you when you topple down a hill to await your fate would wake me up in the middle of the night for years afterward. We were taken to the hospital, and as you can imagine the medical bills were steep.  But my parents didn’t think one lick about this when they came to pick me up — they were in that mixed emotional state of being so happy I was okay, and so pissed that I had skipped school with this friend, AGAIN.


My ”good friend” began to be a bit evasive after the accident, and it turned out to be because she had been driving without insurance.  Things began to get a little ugly with her family when those medical bills started rolling in and so my dad ended up contacting an old friend who was an attorney.  All I remember at the ripe old “adult” age of 17, is being so relieved that my parents and their friend swept me up and took care of everything.  The lawsuit was settled as it should have been, and there were few ramifications on our end. 


That high school friend of my parents was a gentleman by the name of Pat Tillman Sr.  In 1996 when he came in and righted all of the wrongs that I had wrapped myself up in with my irresponsible youthful ignorance, I was eternally grateful.  In 2004, my heart would be filled with a much different emotion as I watched the events unfold around the death of his son Pat Tillman Jr.

Because I wanted to avoid my government class, Pat Tillman Sr. helped bail my parents out of situation that could have had ugly ramifications. I think of him every year on this date, the anniversary of his son’s death, and wish that someone could sweep in and save his family from their awful situation that has turned into an enormous eye opening tragedy. It is a story that still seems to be unraveling, and one that I watch closely with a heavy heart. There are times when I watch the news and feel so overwhelmed with the world that I have to turn it off. But every once in a while a story hits so close to home and I am forced to acknowledge that the world is so small that it hurts.  

I’m thinking of the Tillman family today. 
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*If you are interested, A foundation has been set up in Pat Tillman’s name to provide resources and educational scholarship support to veterans, active servicemembers, and their dependants.  If you have been touched in any way by Pat’s story, head over and see how you can contribute to his legacy.     

_____________________

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So I am fully admitting to stealing the idea for this post from Maggie’s comments section, but when I read the questions I just thought to myself — I must think about this and write it down!  And now here we are.  Thanks Maggie! 

If the questions sound familiar it is because they are straight out of Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project, which is a book I read last year and highly recommend.  There is something worth marinating on for everyone in that book I think, and it is especially timely when we are all thinking about resolutions and such, and how we are all going to make our lives better (ie happier, right?)

What is a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Exercise.  It’s not always the same exercise, but I feel consistently happier when I am exercising regularly.  Part of why I have been enjoying CrossFit so much is because it has really streamlined my exercise routine — I don’t have to think about it, plan it, and then also execute it.  I just have to show up and try hard — and this seems to be a recipe for results for me.  That said, even if I am just going for a run because I want to get outside, or taking a walk to clear my head, exercising ALWAYS makes me feel happier. 

As for smaller things with less commitment:  crossing things off lists, taking bubble baths, reading in bed, and drinking good coffee consistently make me happy too!

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old? 
That it is my choice.  As I’ve gotten older I think I have stopped looking for people to blame for my unhappiness or for the difficulties in my life and I have started to look at every situation that makes me unhappy and find a way that I can either change my perspective or change the action that is making me unhappy.   I can’t control those around me, but I can ALWAYS control my reaction.  I can always choose happiness.  Now that doesn’t mean I always do that, but deep down I know it to be true. 

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Taking on too much.  Because I enjoy crossing things off lists, I often make my lists extra long.  There is a tipping point, though, where the list goes from happiness inspiration to anxiety inducing chore chart.  I am not always clear on where that tipping point is until I have gone way past it.  I am trying to be better about this at work and in life.  It is a work in progress for sure.   

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found helpful?
Well I love the good old Eleanor Roosevelt adage that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  It is not directly about happiness but it definitely is a nice reminder that we choose our feelings, and happiness is no different.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?  Or like a “comfort food” do you have a comfort activity?
My comfort activity is definitely reading.  I love nothing more than diving into a new book, whether it is fiction and I get to spend some time in an entirely made up world, or non-fiction/memoir where I get to learn about something or someone.  I really do just love to spend time with words.  It is also an escapist activity though, so I can lines between me being unhappy and me reading a ton certainly run parallel. 
I also almost always call my mom when I need a happiness boost.  Sometimes you just need a the parental rose-colored glasses to recalibrate you know?  It’s almost always a sure thing!
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that detracts a lot from their happiness?
Complaining.
Watch your thoughts, they become your words.  Watch your words, they become your deeds…right?  I love to vent as much as the next person, TRUST ME, but I know if I stay there it’s not my most meditative happy place.  I try to spend an equal amount of time solving a problem if I’m complaining about a problem.  Note that I said try.  Also a work in progress.  

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you happy, didn’t — or vice versa?
Last year surprised the hell out of me because we reduced our income by half when Garrett quit his full time job, yet our happiness increased exponentially.  I did not expect that AT ALL.  I expected to feel challenged and deprived and a little jealous of others at times.  What I ended up feeling instead was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.    We were no longer struggling with the stress of his job daily and the blissful return of normalcy felt like taking a deep breath after being trapped under the sea.  Prioritizing happiness over money was one of the best decisions we have made as a couple yet.  Yes there was panic, but the relief was so palpable that it just made everything else seem manageable.  Even easy in comparison.  It has changed the way I view my work, my life, my family, our future marriage, money, and most importantly my priorities. 

Really, it changed everything. 

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I’ve been reading a number of things about personal finance, simplification and consumerism lately. These are things I think a lot about anyway just because I find them fascinating, but with all the recent lifestyle changes we have been making I have found myself even more committed to making sure we are doing the best we can with our finances, saving where we can, DIY’ing when it makes sense, and generally being cognizant about Need vs. Want. With Garrett working part time right now there’s really no glossy way to put it, our income has been reduced by almost half.


That is actually kind of a panic inducing number when you think about it – but in actuality it really hasn’t been that stressful. I know what you are thinking, “But Holly, what do you mean things haven’t been stressful, I read your blog. You’re life has been a ball of stress lately.” And to that, I would agree, but I would also clarify: I’m not saying we haven’t had stressful things going on – um, you are correct to note just about every post over the last two weeks — but the reality is that this stress would have been there no matter what, whether we were both working full time making twice as much money, or not. And my point is that our reduction in income hasn’t made life more stressful and in fact, I’m going to posit the exact opposite.


What has been amazing over these last few weeks with all this stress going on is that with Garrett’s new part time gig at Peet’s (free coffee, FTW!) it has been so incredibly awesome to have him around because he is well suited to be Captain of Team Fix It. These types of stressors are things Garrett handles better than I do, so he’s kind of the obvious choice. So even with all the craziness going on there is definitely a more relaxed energy around our house. For me, it has been because Garrett has been majorly owning life on the home front (instead of us both juggling to split it) and for him, the fact that this new job is about 90 Bazillion times less stressful than either of the jobs he has had in the last 5 years is improving his quality of life in ways we didn’t even plan for. No doubt we have definitely had to contemplate decisions about purchases more carefully, and we have had to (sadly) say no to a couple of experiences that we would have normally jumped at the chance to be a part of, but overall life with less money has felt (dare I say) better.


This is weird, right? Stick with me for a minute and I will explain away the crazy, I promise.


I read something recently that that sort of inspired me, and also did a little dot connecting for me in my head. The post was about creating a life that needs no escape, and the part that really resonated with me was this:

I think that for a lot of people, vacations are as much about getting away from normal life as they are about seeing new places. Most people get two or three weeks of vacation time each year. Do you really want to have two or three great weeks per year, during which you try to get away from whatever it is you do with your time the other 49 to 50 weeks? I would rather have 52 great weeks and no desire to escape from my life.

I think what resonated for me was this idea of being intentional with your life. You are in the driver’s seat, so why not be creating a life that you want to live, instead of planning all these things to do when you finally get some time off from life? Even though the above post came from a financial blog, I feel like this idea of creating a life you want to be living encompasses so much more than just saving your money (though that is a big part of it). I think it is about defining what you value – and really, when you get caught up in the hustle bustle of everyday life, sometimes you forget to ask yourselve if the tasks on our to do list are really aligning with what it is you truly value? Defining your values, figuring out what excites and inspires you, and determining what success looks like for you in your own life is hard enough. Add on trying to actually achieve these things in the context of the well meaning others around you (with their own opinions) and it becomes almost this radical idea.


For us, the past couple months have been a little bit radical. We have definitely had much less disposable income to kick around, but what we found is that we had an overabundance of time — and as it turns out that was something that we were ALWAYS craving! Time to get things done, time to plan, time to execute and of course time to breathe – all these things were luxuries before. But it turns out, with just a few tweaks, we unintentionally created this life where all of that comes standard. So even though we’ve been doing some penny pinching, having a little less money lately has really forced us to think about what we truly value, and many of those things: time with our family, having dinner together, being outside, exercising, reading, working in the yard, tending to our little garden, catching up with friends – don’t really require millions of dollars. But having the time to spend doing them? Priceless.

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Bright and early this morning while both getting ready to head out the door for work (we still have only one car so I have been on drop off and pick up duty) Garrett looked at me and smiled and said, “We’ve figured this one car thing out pretty quickly, and we’ve figured this new work schedule out pretty quickly too with my new job.  I think we’re gonna be ok.”

You see my huge fear when Garrett quit his job with my company and started working somewhere else was that we were going to lose all of our fun time connecting:  the laughs while we commuted, the chats during our afternoon walks — OMG WE WILL NEVER SEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE!!!  When our second car went into the shop last week after our other car had already been in the shop for a week Garrett had a baby panic attack about how we would keep living with only one car – OMG HOW WILL WE SURVIVE WITHOUT TWO CARS, IT’S NOT POSSIBLE WITH OUR WILDLY MODERN LIFE!!!

So anyway –spoiler alert– we are surviving!  And we are still connected!  And our wildly modern life has adapted with only one car!  In some ways things are actually better because with a little smart scheduling on Garrett’s part I drop him off in the morning and pick  him up around lunch and we get to chit chat and whatnot.  It’s a nice interuption in a long day of work, and we both get where we need to go, and can still hang out and share what’s going on in our days.  And we have not even missed a second car sitting in the garage all day. 

We were so quick to be fearful of what change was going bring, and of course it has brought some challenges.  But it made me realize that we are both so quick to underestimate our ability to adapt.  This doesn’t really have a point, I’m sorry to say, but I guess I just wanted to quickly remind myself that change is only scary if I let it be.  I’ve been so negative around these parts lately I just wanted to put it down on paper (ha! or the internet) that instead of choosing to be stressed or fearful, I want to continue to channel that energy into building my own confidence in myself, my decisions, my reactions,my relationship, and my life.  It seems so much more effective than worrying about what potentially lies ahead, so damnnit I’m going to try!  I may have said I don’t like change, but if you’ve been around here long enough you know I love a good challenge.   

“The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one’s ‘own’ or ‘real’ life.  The truth is, of course, that what one regards as interruptions are precisely one’s life.” — C.S. Lewis

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