I know wedding updates should be saved for Wednesdays because then I could title this Wedding Wednesday and everything would be cutesy and I could feign coordination and organization and FORETHOUGHT and stuff, but that is really not how I am rolling with wedding planning so far. I thought maybe we could just have some real talk instead.
I am being a real pill about planning this wedding. I’m focusing on how stressful everything is, how expensive it is, how many tedious freaking things I have to make decisions on that I DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT. How everyone feels invited to share their opinions on how things should or shouldn’t be, while simultaneously saying “But do it for yourself! This is YOUR wedding.”
All of it has been…a lot, and I’m going to be very honest and say I haven’t enjoyed it too much yet. I’ve been having nightmares about showing up on the day of and forgetting to hire a caterer. I’ve been catching the tiniest blemish in the mirror and berating myself for how unphotogenic I will surely be. Worst of all, I have let this feeling of silent resentment build up when I’m adding to my excel spreadsheet of wedding related tasks after a long day of work and Garrett is lounging on the couch or reading a book. I’ve been a real joy to be around, as you can imagine.
But I started marinating on that exact word this weekend: JOY.
This should be a joyful time.
This *is* a joyful time.
I am marrying my partner in crime, who I love to pieces and we have the means and the time to plan a celebration that has our friends and family actually willing to organize their schedules around. We have people who are excited FOR us, and invested in all of the steps in between. No small thing — and definitely worth gratitude. But I haven’t been acting that way.
I should also mention, if we’re talking about things I am grateful for, this relationship by itself. For ten years it has kept me sane and laughing and entertained and challenged and growing, so I guess it is fitting that I am doing all of those things when planning this wedding.
But here I was sitting at the kitchen table staring at a spreadsheet with a scowl on my face rolling my eyes about tasks and to-do lists and obligations and how women TOTALLY get the short end of the stick with wedding planning and baby-making and GOD IT’S ALL JUST SO UNFAIR I COULD CRY.
When I type that out I feel embarrassed. Embarrassed that I even had all those emotions or that I’ve been going on like this for months. That all of this is my wedding planning story. But I thought a lot about why I am focusing on the negative and the stress instead of the joy, and what do you know — METAPHOR FOR LIFE, ALERT — I think I just I really, really don’t like doing things that I feel I’m not very good at.
And sure, that makes sense. But first of all WHO SAYS I’M NOT GOOD AT THIS??? And second (and more important) how crappy would it be to let this incredibly special and unique time in my life go by being pissed off, when really I’m just kind of scared I’ll make a mistake.
NOW THAT’S JUST SILLY.
On Friday night I had a little Come-To-Jesus conversation with myself where I mostly said, “Self, THIS IS A JOYFUL TIME! And you are allowed to enjoy it even if you are unsure. Also: you are allowed to ask for help. But you are the one who has to choose to be positive, even when you’re freaked out, SO DO IT.” I think the conversation went well, because there was no talking back, you know?
On Saturday morning, while having a serious case of the anxiety sweats (AWESOME) I went wedding dress shopping with my mom and my aunt. It was a bit of a turning point because you all there is no better word to describe it than JOYFUL. We had such a great day, it was so easy and effortless. And it really felt like something to be grateful for.
I kept reminding myself, we have a venue we are so stoked about. We have a photographer that we connected with so well we don’t feel nervous. And we have plenty of time before September to iron out all the other details.
So Saturday afternoon I let myself enjoy playing a little bit of dress up and found a dress that — what do you know, looks nothing like any of the dress inspiration I had pinned before hand. It’s not “simple” or “understated” or “classy” or “casually elegant.” All the words that rolled off my lips when I walked in.
It’s freaking bejeweled and sexy and completely different then anything I would have picked off a rack and most important, I FELT LIKE A MILLION BUCKS IN IT! (Which, in the end was good, since that’s just about what it cost! LOL) Hell, I even tried on a veil moments after saying to the girl helping me “I’m totally NOT a veil kind of girl?”
“Just try it on for you mom,” she said. And so I did.
AND THEN I FREAKING BOUGHT IT BECAUSE IT WAS BEAUTIFUL!
And while I thought I wasn’t a veil-girl, I am TOTALLY an accessories girl, and Coco Chanel can just shove it in this instance because I’m going to add ONE MORE accessory instead of removing one. I mean, how many times does one really have an excuse to accessorize like that, right?
Afterward, the 3 of us ladies went out to lunch and just had the best time. A joyous time, even. And I think from here on out, I’m focused on letting that continue.