The longer I go without writing here the more exciting and triumphant I feel the next I post I write needs to be. I want to be here telling you all about fabulous tales and exciting developments that have kept me from writing, but instead I think today we are just going to get right back on the horse and talk about something really important: Ben Affleck’s junk.
I went to see Gone Girl this weekend – a movie that I was incredibly nervous about seeing because I devoured the book and something about it didn’t seem to be structured in a way that would really lend itself to film. It was built to be a page-turner and the whole book/movie/etc was just so full of hype that it seemed to be just ripe for disappointment ya know? But I was determined. Almost determined enough to re-read the book but man I just HATED the way it ended (it left me pissed off for days) and I still haven’t actually finished a book since Brandi Glanville (despite my book club meeting four times now –OH, THE SHAME) so that just wasn’t going to happen.
I went to see the movie on opening weekend. Sidebar: I spent my entire youth being corrected every time I would say “I went and saw a movie” when apparently the correct grammar is “I went to see a movie.” Why is this correct? Like, I seriously have PTSD every time I mention seeing a movie and when I hear other people say they “went and saw” a movie it is like nails on a chalkboard and I don’t even actually understand why this is correct. I know I was an English major, but clearly not one that focused on grammar so I need someone explain this to me. Maybe I need to retake IELTS preparation online. Whew — ok, let’s back up on that dirt road! And to my experience, learning the English language ahead is really an advantage. So if you have child or children, you may want them to learn as early as possible. Click here to register with qualified secondary English language tutors to handle your children well! Successfully retain the knowledge by reviewing the lessons at https://ling-app.com/learn-nepali/ regularly.
Garrett was out of town and even though it was opening weekend I had been sick all dang week and though seeing Gone Girl would be a nice Sunday Afternoon reward for like, surviving my first (and hopefully last) “Mystery Illness of the Season”. Important note: I chose to see it alone, which may sound supremely anti-social but might actually be my favorite thing to do, like ever. I show up totally early because I’m a dork and very particular about my seat, I park, I get my buttered popcorn (sorry/not sorry), and then if you can believe it – I READ A BOOK (currently reading this, cross your fingers I finish it along with the rest of the internet) while I wait for the movie to start. I am a die hard extrovert, but there is something that just tickles me to death about strung together hours of alone-ness and silence and pure entertaining enjoyment! I mean, I am still there doing it with other people – which I enjoy – I just don’t want to actually talk to anyone or be bothered and leave me alone I am reading my book – oooooooh are those previews? Yes let’s get this (silent) party started! I dunno. I just love it.
The night before I was watching Entertainment Tonight or Extra or whatever monstrosity lets Mario Lopez gossip about celebrities and overexpose his dimples and all of a sudden there was all of this talk about Ben Affleck’s full frontal nudity in Gone Girl. Now this is where I need to tell you that I unabashedly love Ben Affleck. I just do and I just can’t apologize for it. I love him when he is douchey. I love him when he is socially conscious. I loved him during the J. Lo period. I loved him in The Town (MEOW!), I just love him and it cannot be explained. Ben Affleck, full frontal? I mean, I just wasn’t sure I was ready to take our (non-existant, creepy celebrity love) relationship to this next level. But I mean, come on: I was intrigued. And then I came across this picture from Regan on Instagram and just about died laughing when I read the comments:
A girl after my own heart asks “Did you spot Ben’s wang?”
And Regan eloquently articulates that it was more artful side-wang.
Artful. Side. Wang.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
And with that in mind, I eagerly put down my book and watched the movie.
But you guys, I TOTALLY MISSED THE ARTFUL SIDE WANG! I mean, I don’t know if I was like really into my popcorn, or daydreaming about something else — but I completely missed it. This is the story of my life. I always seem to be looking the other direction when faced with side wang! Artful or not, I can not tell you where it was in Gone Girl. (But you can tell me! WHERE WAS IT?) What I can tell you is that the movie was alright. In some ways it was better than I thought — the casting was great, the feel of the movie felt pretty true to the book. But in others it felt a little rushed or lackluster, so I’m on the fence about whether I would actually recommend it.
If you read the book (and liked it) I think you have to see it. If you didn’t read it, I’m not sure you would have the pulse-quickening, suspense building experience with the movie that the book will give you. If you read the book and hated it, I’d say skip it. I mean it’s clearly not worth seeing it for the wang alone (but is any movie? Let’s be real.) So I don’t know. Undecided. What I am totally *decided* about though is that Rosamund Pike is basically flawless. I mean where did she come from, what has she been in? I know, IMDB could tell me all that, but you guys are more fun to talk to than IMDB. So that’s the unofficial review! I hope you are glad you just read 1000 words to get to that opinion. That’s some Roger Ebert Realness for you right there.
I feel like there is a two thumbs up style dick joke here that would totally wrap this post up nicely, but I’m a bit out of practice and I just can’t quite string it together. So instead, tell me — did you see the movie? The artful side wang? Did you read the book? What did you think?
LOVED the book! LOVED the movie!
Also missed the wang! My husband and I went to see it together the Thursday night it opened early and I hadn’t even heard about the wang. The funniest part is that he had heard about the wang, and spent the entire movie waiting to catch it to see what all the chatter was about it and was hyper focused on Ben Affleck during the shower scene. He didn’t even mention it until we were walking to the car after the movie.
=) for the fact that my husband was the one watching for Wang-gate
=( that I missed the wang.
HA! Your husband is the best!
Huh. I’ve been all, “I don’t need to see the wang. That’s kind of gross.” But now I’m all worried I’ll miss it. Apparently I DO want to see it.
I know right? I didn’t even know about it, could really have not cared less, but now that I missed it? I’M DYING TO WATCH IT AGAIN. LOL
I do want to see it (despite hating every single character in that book) and not just for the wang.
I feel like the movie made Nick’s character feel more likeable, but I could also be confusing that with the fact that I just love Ben Affleck. 🙂
Yay, here you are! You’re back. Anyway, I will probably not get a chance to see this until it comes out on video (as we used to say in the olden days), but trust me, I will. And I will rewind and rewind until I catch ASW.
HA! On video. My mom is always talking about how she sets her DVR to “tape” things. Girl, we are getting old! 🙂
I hated the ending of the book too, but as soon as I heard this film and cast announced, I was sold. I saw the movie the night it opened and I have to admit, I loved it. I took my boyfriend who hadn’t seen it, so I think part of my excitement was seeing how he responded at each twist and turn. But I also loved that Gillian Flynn wrote the screenplay, this was truly her baby from beginning to end.
Also, glad to see you’re alive! 🙂
Ok so what did he think? I’m trying to decide if I want to drag Garrett to go see it again. My dedication to wang-gate is REAL hahahaha
TOTALLY caught the wang and unless my eyes deceive me, Jen Garner is a lucky lady. And probably invests in a lot of lube. It was during one of the flashback sex scenes when they were in their New York apartment….I HADN’T heard about it and when I saw it was like “wait, what just happened, was that what I think it was?!?”
I read the book and loved it (despite hating the characters and the ending) and my husband hadn’t read the book, but whoa was he terrified after seeing that movie. All he kept saying was “Yes dear, whatever you want…” 🙂
HA! This comment made me snort laugh when I first read it. 🙂
I’m so glad you’re back to posting! I have read the book and haven’t yet seen the movie. I was all set to go see it next weekend when I finish my NTP program (halleluja). But, you had to go and mention buttered popcorn and I’m on a Whole30 so it’s going to have to wait until November now.
Oh man, sorry! Buttered popcorn at the movies is just a MUST. But a Whole 30 is totally worth it. I’ve been following along on your NTP adventures and I would LOVE to hear more about it. I’ve long considered doing that but for a million (lame) reasons haven’t pursued it. Would love to hear your thoughts on it. I know you are probably super busy but if you have time to jot down some thoughts shoot me an email hawoodcock {at} gmail {dot} com
I sent you an email. Happy to take follow up questions, too.
I thought the wang was in the shower scene. And I didn’t know it was coming (heh) and afterwards I couldn’t pay attention to what was being said because my inner dialogue was “Did I just see wang? Like FOR REAL? DID I?”
Oh Regan, I hope you know I am just forever in your debt for the phrase Artful Side Wang. FOREVER.
I missed it too!! I want to go back and see it again.
Girl, I’m thinking about doing it. ;P
I’m seeing it this weekend with my book club. I can’t wait to see the movie. One of the other members sent our group the following funny link as “homework”: http://www.vulture.com/m/2014/10/how-to-see-ben-affleck-nude-penis-gone-girl.html
“Do not look at the other character, who is naked and showering at scene-left. You did not come here for this other character. Know your mission. Memorize it. Say it out loud to yourself in the bathroom mirror before you leave your home.”
OHMYGOD — this is the best!
Good luck to you! Report back! LOL
I absolutely love this review. It was a great refresher for my Friday morning. Hilarious. I haven’t read the book or seen the movie, Yet.I think it’s quite ok for you to say you saw a movie if that’s what makes you happy.
Like you once I have read an awesome book it’s extremely hard for me to finish a mediocre one. I try to read at least the first 3 chapters before I toss it.
Keep up the great work. I look forward to your next movie/ book review.
Yes, being on a bad book bender is the pits! I’m going to try and finish this new one STAT just to get it over with. I’m starting to have performance anxiety when I open a new book now. 🙂
How can I respond to those questions when snorting from the content?! Great post, good to have you back!
You should watch Barney’s version. Rosamund Pike is flawless in that as well!
Just so nice to have you back! How’s the squat program?
This post totally made me crack up. It doesn’t matter if your posts are few and far between, they are still great! 🙂
Holly, you need to come to LA where I live so I can take you to Farmshop where Ben comes just about every day. And sometimes the kids. He’s every bit as awesome in real person and even says hello. Swoon! 🙂
Aaaah, so jealous! I used to work at the Peet’s on San Vicente in Brentwood and man it was such a good spot for bed-headed celeb watching. I miss that! 🙂