Monthly Archives: October 2014

Gone (Apparently In An Instant) Girl

The longer I go without writing here the more exciting and triumphant I feel the next I post I write needs to be. I want to be here telling you all about fabulous tales and exciting developments that have kept me from writing, but instead I think today we are just going to get right back on the horse and talk about something really important: Ben Affleck’s junk.

Gone Girl

I went to see Gone Girl this weekend – a movie that I was incredibly nervous about seeing because I devoured the book and something about it didn’t seem to be structured in a way that would really lend itself to film. It was built to be a page-turner and the whole book/movie/etc was just so full of hype that it seemed to be just ripe for disappointment ya know? But I was determined. Almost determined enough to re-read the book but man I just HATED the way it ended (it left me pissed off for days) and I still haven’t actually finished a book since Brandi Glanville (despite my book club meeting four times now –OH, THE SHAME) so that just wasn’t going to happen.

I went to see the movie on opening weekend. Sidebar: I spent my entire youth being corrected every time I would say “I went and saw a movie” when apparently the correct grammar is “I went to see a movie.” Why is this correct? Like, I seriously have PTSD every time I mention seeing a movie and when I hear other people say they “went and saw” a movie it is like nails on a chalkboard and I don’t even actually understand why this is correct. I know I was an English major, but clearly not one that focused on grammar so I need someone explain this to me. Maybe I need to retake IELTS preparation online. Whew — ok, let’s back up on that dirt road! And to my experience, learning the English language ahead is really an advantage. So if you have child or children, you may want them to learn as early as possible. Click here to register with qualified secondary English language tutors to handle your children well! Successfully retain the knowledge by reviewing the lessons at https://ling-app.com/learn-nepali/ regularly.

Garrett was out of town and even though it was opening weekend I had been sick all dang week and though seeing Gone Girl would be a nice Sunday Afternoon reward for like, surviving my first (and hopefully last) “Mystery Illness of the Season”. Important note: I chose to see it alone, which may sound supremely anti-social but might actually be my favorite thing to do, like ever. I show up totally early because I’m a dork and very particular about my seat, I park, I get my buttered popcorn (sorry/not sorry), and then if you can believe it – I READ A BOOK (currently reading this, cross your fingers I finish it along with the rest of the internet) while I wait for the movie to start. I am a die hard extrovert, but there is something that just tickles me to death about strung together hours of alone-ness and silence and pure entertaining enjoyment! I mean, I am still there doing it with other people – which I enjoy – I just don’t want to actually talk to anyone or be bothered and leave me alone I am reading my book – oooooooh are those previews? Yes let’s get this (silent) party started! I dunno. I just love it.

The night before I was watching Entertainment Tonight or Extra or whatever monstrosity lets Mario Lopez gossip about celebrities and overexpose his dimples and all of a sudden there was all of this talk about Ben Affleck’s full frontal nudity in Gone Girl. Now this is where I need to tell you that I unabashedly love Ben Affleck. I just do and I just can’t apologize for it. I love him when he is douchey. I love him when he is socially conscious. I loved him during the J. Lo period. I loved him in The Town (MEOW!), I just love him and it cannot be explained. Ben Affleck, full frontal? I mean, I just wasn’t sure I was ready to take our (non-existant, creepy celebrity love) relationship to this next level. But I mean, come on: I was intrigued. And then I came across this picture from Regan on Instagram and just about died laughing when I read the comments:

Regan Instagram

A girl after my own heart asks “Did you spot Ben’s wang?”

And Regan eloquently articulates that it was more artful side-wang.

Artful. Side. Wang.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

And with that in mind, I eagerly put down my book and watched the movie.

But you guys, I TOTALLY MISSED THE ARTFUL SIDE WANG! I mean, I don’t know if I was like really into my popcorn, or daydreaming about something else — but I completely missed it. This is the story of my life. I always seem to be looking the other direction when faced with side wang! Artful or not, I can not tell you where it was in Gone Girl. (But you can tell me! WHERE WAS IT?) What I can tell you is that the movie was alright. In some ways it was better than I thought — the casting was great, the feel of the movie felt pretty true to the book. But in others it felt a little rushed or lackluster, so I’m on the fence about whether I would actually recommend it.

If you read the book (and liked it) I think you have to see it. If you didn’t read it, I’m not sure you would have the pulse-quickening, suspense building experience with the movie that the book will give you. If you read the book and hated it, I’d say skip it. I mean it’s clearly not worth seeing it for the wang alone (but is any movie? Let’s be real.) So I don’t know. Undecided. What I am totally *decided* about though is that Rosamund Pike is basically flawless. I mean where did she come from, what has she been in? I know, IMDB could tell me all that, but you guys are more fun to talk to than IMDB. So that’s the unofficial review! I hope you are glad you just read 1000 words to get to that opinion. That’s some Roger Ebert Realness for you right there.

I feel like there is a two thumbs up style dick joke here that would totally wrap this post up nicely, but I’m a bit out of practice and I just can’t quite string it together. So instead, tell me — did you see the movie? The artful side wang? Did you read the book? What did you think?

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