Gone (Apparently In An Instant) Girl

The longer I go without writing here the more exciting and triumphant I feel the next I post I write needs to be. I want to be here telling you all about fabulous tales and exciting developments that have kept me from writing, but instead I think today we are just going to get right back on the horse and talk about something really important: Ben Affleck’s junk.

Gone Girl

I went to see Gone Girl this weekend – a movie that I was incredibly nervous about seeing because I devoured the book and something about it didn’t seem to be structured in a way that would really lend itself to film. It was built to be a page-turner and the whole book/movie/etc was just so full of hype that it seemed to be just ripe for disappointment ya know? But I was determined. Almost determined enough to re-read the book but man I just HATED the way it ended (it left me pissed off for days) and I still haven’t actually finished a book since Brandi Glanville (despite my book club meeting four times now –OH, THE SHAME) so that just wasn’t going to happen.

I went to see the movie on opening weekend. Sidebar: I spent my entire youth being corrected every time I would say “I went and saw a movie” when apparently the correct grammar is “I went to see a movie.” Why is this correct? Like, I seriously have PTSD every time I mention seeing a movie and when I hear other people say they “went and saw” a movie it is like nails on a chalkboard and I don’t even actually understand why this is correct. I know I was an English major, but clearly not one that focused on grammar so I need someone explain this to me. Whew — ok, let’s back up on that dirt road!

Garrett was out of town and even though it was opening weekend I had been sick all dang week and though seeing Gone Girl would be a nice Sunday Afternoon reward for like, surviving my first (and hopefully last) “Mystery Illness of the Season”. Important note: I chose to see it alone, which may sound supremely anti-social but might actually be my favorite thing to do, like ever. I show up totally early because I’m a dork and very particular about my seat, I park, I get my buttered popcorn (sorry/not sorry), and then if you can believe it – I READ A BOOK (currently reading this, cross your fingers I finish it along with the rest of the internet) while I wait for the movie to start. I am a die hard extrovert, but there is something that just tickles me to death about strung together hours of alone-ness and silence and pure entertaining enjoyment! I mean, I am still there doing it with other people – which I enjoy – I just don’t want to actually talk to anyone or be bothered and leave me alone I am reading my book – oooooooh are those previews? Yes let’s get this (silent) party started! I dunno. I just love it.

The night before I was watching Entertainment Tonight or Extra or whatever monstrosity lets Mario Lopez gossip about celebrities and overexpose his dimples and all of a sudden there was all of this talk about Ben Affleck’s full frontal nudity in Gone Girl. Now this is where I need to tell you that I unabashedly love Ben Affleck. I just do and I just can’t apologize for it. I love him when he is douchey. I love him when he is socially conscious. I loved him during the J. Lo period. I loved him in The Town (MEOW!), I just love him and it cannot be explained. Ben Affleck, full frontal? I mean, I just wasn’t sure I was ready to take our (non-existant, creepy celebrity love) relationship to this next level. But I mean, come on: I was intrigued. And then I came across this picture from Regan on Instagram and just about died laughing when I read the comments:

Regan Instagram

A girl after my own heart asks “Did you spot Ben’s wang?”

And Regan eloquently articulates that it was more artful side-wang.

Artful. Side. Wang.


And with that in mind, I eagerly put down my book and watched the movie.

But you guys, I TOTALLY MISSED THE ARTFUL SIDE WANG! I mean, I don’t know if I was like really into my popcorn, or daydreaming about something else — but I completely missed it. This is the story of my life. I always seem to be looking the other direction when faced with side wang! Artful or not, I can not tell you where it was in Gone Girl. (But you can tell me! WHERE WAS IT?) What I can tell you is that the movie was alright. In some ways it was better than I thought — the casting was great, the feel of the movie felt pretty true to the book. But in others it felt a little rushed or lackluster, so I’m on the fence about whether I would actually recommend it.

If you read the book (and liked it) I think you have to see it. If you didn’t read it, I’m not sure you would have the pulse-quickening, suspense building experience with the movie that the book will give you. If you read the book and hated it, I’d say skip it. I mean it’s clearly not worth seeing it for the wang alone (but is any movie? Let’s be real.) So I don’t know. Undecided. What I am totally *decided* about though is that Rosamund Pike is basically flawless. I mean where did she come from, what has she been in? I know, IMDB could tell me all that, but you guys are more fun to talk to than IMDB. So that’s the unofficial review! I hope you are glad you just read 1000 words to get to that opinion. That’s some Roger Ebert Realness for you right there.

I feel like there is a two thumbs up style dick joke here that would totally wrap this post up nicely, but I’m a bit out of practice and I just can’t quite string it together. So instead, tell me — did you see the movie? The artful side wang? Did you read the book? What did you think?

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