That Time Mark Wahlberg Kissed Me Goodnight

It was 106 degrees yesterday and Garrett was home covered up in blankets and piles of kleenex feeling sick as a dog. Super duper YUCK. Isn’t summer the worst time to have a bad cold? He was feeling pretty sorry for himself yesterday so I spent the afternoon manning the station at Man Cold Central, doing some work at home and finishing some organizing projects. While I was cleaning out the closet in our front bedroom I came across a giant tub of old photographs which led me to the realization that digital photography is the only reason I did not end up on Hoarders.

THANK YOU, DIGITAL PHOTOGRAPHY. I owe you one.

I have SO MANY old useless pictures. Would you like 100+ dark and blurry pictures of the Joey McIntyre concert I attended in 2002? No sweat, I gotcha covered! And don’t worry, I have THE NEGATIVES too in case we need to reprint the batch. I mean, I must have had to CHANGE THE FILM IN MY CAMERA MORE THAN ONCE. So glad I meticulously documented that night out! :)

In the end though, there were some hilarious old photos too, so I busted out a few so Garrett could have a laugh while feeling like death on the couch. His personal favorite of old dorky pictures of me is still this one that now hangs on our fridge:

photo

Yes, I do have a license for those finger guns, why do you ask?

Also, random aside, this was the era of my dance career where I was constantly being told how fat I was. This was the year when I first started Weight Watchers. Seriously? WHAT THE FUCK EVER.

Anyway, I posted that to Instagram ages ago and some of you got a chuckle over it, so why not post it here for more of you to point and laugh. Anything for you! I also posted this next photo to Instagram last night and a few of you asked for the story behind it so I’ll give ya the (long winded, apparently) cliffs notes.
Fun pic from the archives...and yes my tongue is pierced. It was the cool 1990s suburban girl thing to do. Haaaaaa!

First let’s talk about the obvious: my tongue is pierced in this picture and I look ridiculous. I pierced it when I was 18 and left it in on and off for about 5 years. My family hated it. I loved it. I guess I’m just glad I did that instead of getting that super meaningful tramp stamp of the Chinese Symbol for Whatever It Was That Was Cool in 1999. Bullet: Dodged.

Anyway, the other obvious thing: that’s Mark Wahlberg on the left. Maybe less obvious, for those who didn’t have a super psycho 90s obsession with Third Eye Blind, on the right that is Stephan Jenkins. Do you know why I loved him? (I mean, aside from the fact that moody looking dark haired gentleman are totally my type. duh.) Because he was a “smart” stoner (Valedictorian at UC Berkeley. And um, decidedly NOT sober in that picture.) Listen, I was 22. I was not the arbiter of good taste in men at the time. So.

It was 1999, I was living on the westside of Los Angeles, my life was kind of a mess and my roommate and I had gone out that night to The Key Club for some sort of benefit for Breast Cancer, I think. It had some kind of cheeky name involving boobs, but all we cared about was that Stephan Jenkins was headlining the event solo. My roommate at the time may have loved him just a smidge more than I did, if possible, so we showed up and decided that Operation: Get Backstage was in full effect.

Obviously we did what any self respecting determined young ladies do when they want to get backstage, and we chatted up the bouncer. Well, at least my roommate did. As you can see from the photo I was wearing a button up shirt. I mean…had I just come from my day job? (I was working as a PA at Extra at the time. Sadly it was Pre-Mario Lopez. But I was a career woman, nonetheless. HA!) WHAT WAS THE BUTTON UP SHIRT ABOUT? So yeah, I’ve just never been that girl who is oozing with sensuality and can sweet talk bouncers. I am more of a seducer with my awkward. I was the loud chick with her tongue pierced who sends her desperate-to-be-slutty roommate to do that. MUAHAHAHAHA.

ANYWAY.

He let us back there for some reason and so we decided to hang out in the absolutely empty green room which was indeed green and filled with All Of The Heineken. Also some shitty cheese tray, and a Coscto sized box of altoids. I guess the condoms were hidden somewhere. It was skeezy. We immediately realized though that everyone who was wandering around backstage had these “All Access” Bracelets on. We had no bracelets. Hmmm…but we were smart girls so we got the bright idea that we would just sit on stools outside the green room and “check people’s bracelets” as they walked by and look very official until our boyfriend Stephan showed up. And dude it totally worked! Everyone seemed to think it was business as usual. Must have been my very official button up shirt.

Then we realized that the reason that it was empty in the green room was because there was a VIP bar down at the basement level. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, ok. So we headed down there because we heard Stephan was “IN THE BUILDING.” Squeee! He totally was! And without Charlize, which you know, was essential. Because obviously it gave us waaaaaaaaaaaaaay better chances of all running away together if his OSCAR WINNING SUPERMODEL GIRLFRIEND wasn’t there. Makes sense. Out of sight out of mind, I’m sure. Whew!

So he’s down there, but we can’t *actually* talk to him because that requires using words and in that moment I think we could only just look at each other wide eyed and squealing under our breath. So we decided to head back upstairs to get it together. Back to the green room we go, where we have to put our Bracelet Checking Identities back on. As we’re sitting on our stools Duncan Sheik shows up (he was also performing that night) and immediately asks “Oh do you need to see my bracelet” Um…duh, Duncan. Get with the program. So he does and heads into the green room for some…altoids? Cheese? I don’t know. But since he is there all alone we decide to chat it up with him and crack open a beer.

“Are you allowed to drink while you are working?” he says, “That’s cool.”

So now that we are all 3 BFFs we confess to Duncan that we, in fact are dumb groupie chicks dying to meet Stephan and right as we do this Stephan comes in the green room for some…altoids? I don’t know. BUT THERE HE IS. And luckily my roommate has some sort of ability to talk normal to him. I think I was buttoning my shirt or adjusting my choker or something, but he tells us he’s about to perform and we should watch him from the side of the stage. We ask him to play our favorite song. HE TOTALLY OPENS THE SHOW WITH IT.

As we are sitting at the side of stage being absolute fucking idiots, we realize that the gentleman in front of us is MARK FUCKING WAHLBERG. And then I die, obviously, because I am one degree of separation from Donnie. He was rolling incognito that night with a hat and beard (later I’d find out he was filming The Perfect Storm at the time) and so it took a minute. But we ended up finding out that he had just finished making a movie with Charlize Theron and so obvs, they must all now be super Hollywood BFFs and we were going to find a way infiltrate this circle with our coolness, if only to wedge Charlize out of the picture. Duh. PIECE OF CAKE.

When the show finished, Stephan came off stage, hugged Mark and they both headed up the stairs, past the green room to a SECRET GREENROOM that was outside in some random refurbished bus situation with some bodyguard-esque dude. We totally followed. And spent the rest of the evening shooting the shit in a bus with Mark Wahlberg, Stephan Jenkins, and some bodyguard that totally thought we were sluts. Newsflash: WE WERE NOT. Again, I WAS WEARING A BUTTON UP SHIRT. I didn’t even know from slutty, sorry. Well, let’s be real, I’m not sorry. But the night wound down and they were going to go over The Viper Room and did we want to come along?

UM, DOES A BEAR SHIT IN THE WOODS?

But my roommate was only 20 at the time. The show was an 18 and over show. AN 18 AND OVER SHOW, YOU GUYS. THIS ENTIRE TIME. I mean, what?????????? We were so lame. So we had to say goodnight, and as such there were lots of hugs and goodnight kisses and photographs taken by bouncer dudes that thought we were sluts, and one of those kisses from MARKY-EFFING-MARK landed right around my lip area, mostly because he was wasted, not because he was trying to put the moves on me. Maybe he was actually just trying to get a better look at my awesome choker.

But from that point on it became That Time Mark Wahlberg Kissed Me Goodnight. That has such a better ring to it than dorky, desperate groupie chicks stalk Hollywood dudes and watch them smoke weed in a bus, right?

Better SEO too, I’m sure. :)

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33 comments to That Time Mark Wahlberg Kissed Me Goodnight

  • Erica
    July 12, 2012 at 6:54 am

    all of it is KILLING ME I love it. Esp. the sunglasses picture. I have nothing nearly that awesome in any of my old albums.

    • Holly
      July 12, 2012 at 9:18 am

      Oh that is just the tip of the iceberg of embarrassing dance costumes, let me tell you. I should maybe do an entire post of all of my embarrassing dance photos, but I don’t want to give everyone sore ab muscles from laughing so damn hard at my expense.

  • Caity @ Moi Contre La Vie
    July 12, 2012 at 7:04 am

    Ohmygod LOVE it. You need to write a memoire STAT!

    • Holly
      July 12, 2012 at 9:18 am

      I’m thinking more of an Art of Seduction Instruction Manual. Step One: Wear a Button Up Shirt

  • Jesabes
    July 12, 2012 at 7:18 am

    This is the best. story. ever.

    My favorite part was reading “Listen, I was 22. I was not the arbiter of good taste in men at the time.” and realizing I GOT MARRIED AT 22.

    Sooo… let’s hope I made the right choice! (I’m 5 years in and not regretting it so far. Fingers crossed!)

    • Holly
      July 12, 2012 at 9:19 am

      HA! Yes, but remember at 22 my life was kind of a mess. Definitely affected the man-radar FOR SURE!

  • sizzle
    July 12, 2012 at 7:23 am

    This is the Most Awesome Story. I love it! Ah, the ’90’s with its chokers and dark lipstick and piercings. Those were the good ol’ days.

    I’m pretty sure my favorite line of this is: “I am more of a seducer with my awkward.”

    • Holly
      July 12, 2012 at 9:20 am

      For a time I had my eyebrows pierced too and a bunch of random crap hanging off my ears. UGH…too much! LOL

  • sizzle
    July 12, 2012 at 7:25 am

    Oh and that photo of you from dance? It is epic. And omg you did not need WW! Fucking people! I’m pretty sure I was around that same age when I went full on into diet mode because of a pancake incident with a friend’s mom. It’s a long story.

    • Holly
      July 12, 2012 at 9:21 am

      Isn’t that crazy how those crazy incidents get totally burned into your brain and COMPLETELY AFFECT YOUR LIFE. I look at this picture and think about how sad I felt about how horrifically fat I was. So much shame. And all I see is a healthy (albeit SUPER FRICKEN TALL) 9 year old trying to have fun dancing. Makes me scared to have a little girl.

  • Charmaine
    July 12, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Holly!! I could read your stories ALL DAY long…I read this whole thing with a smile on my face and not once did I look up to see what trouble Amelia was getting into… I’m so jealous , 1 degree away from Donnie!! I love those guys!!

    • Holly
      July 12, 2012 at 9:22 am

      I mean, degrees of separation from NKOTB are pretty much how I measure all successful celebrity meeting stories. :)

  • Mallory
    July 12, 2012 at 9:08 am

    This is the best blog post ever.

  • PinkieBling
    July 12, 2012 at 9:50 am

    I think this is my favorite story of yours so far. Marky Mark 4EVA!

    I want to bitch-slap the people who made you think you were fat, though. UGH.
    Weight Watchers at 9!! Heaven help us.

    • Holly
      July 12, 2012 at 2:41 pm

      4EVA!

      I want to bitch slap them too when I look back, but you know, it was just the environment. I was watching Breaking Pointe the other night (dude, SLC looks GORGEOUS!) and it was all very relatable. Competitive dancing is just such a different environment than the real world and normal rules just don’t apply. I had a little Ballet PTSD. :)

  • Home Sweet Sarah
    July 12, 2012 at 10:13 am

    This just basically makes my week. I LOVE IT ALL AND YOU.

  • LizScott
    July 12, 2012 at 11:05 am

    “or adjusting my choker or something”

    Fucking love it. Oh, 90s. Never change.

    • Holly
      July 12, 2012 at 2:43 pm

      Or maybe I was pulling up my pants. The other think I noticed in ALL of my 90s pictures were awful AWFUL baggy, acid washed jeans that were too big, too long, and almost completely covering my super awesome Dr. Martens. Don’t even get me started on my alternative “I wish I was a raver but am too dorky to do drugs” phase. :) Photogenic, I tell you.

  • Diane
    July 12, 2012 at 11:27 am

    BEST EVER. I needed to hang out with you when I was 22.

  • Life of a Doctor's Wife
    July 12, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    This is amazing.

    (RE: Your sunglasses dance outfit: I was in tumbling throughout most of my childhood, during which I wore similarly awesome garments. Neon spandex FTW!)

  • Manda
    July 12, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    You had me CRACKING UP with this post girl! I have a similar story about hanging around after a Counting Crows concert and meeting the band (although I decidedly did not “hang out” with them on their bus. Or kiss any of them. You are freaking cool!). BUT I do need to say that I want to go back in time and PUNCH who ever it was that was on your case about being fat in that dance photo because you were ADORABLE! FINGER GUNS!

  • Melissa "Melicious" Joulwan
    July 12, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    OMG. I was hanging on every word of this story, and it totally makes me want to post about the time Mike Fucking Ness kissed me. While on stage. On the cheek. But still.

  • Melissa "Melicious" Joulwan
    July 12, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    Right?! OMG. I will totally tell you the whole story sometime. Or write about it in my blog this weekend.

  • AndreAnna
    July 12, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    That may be the best story in all of time. And I’m not even making that up.

    I may have to kiss you now so my lips can have been where Marky Mark’s were. Just be forewarned.

  • Bree
    July 13, 2012 at 8:25 am

    I too was hanging on every word. This cracked me up, our IT guy came walking by while I was laughing and he looked at me funny thinking I was laughing at him. :) This is definitely the best post yet!

  • Holly Rose
    July 14, 2012 at 7:47 am

    Oh my gosh I love your blog!!! First off, I found you through pinterest by looking for paleo recipes. Then once I got here I was hooked. I am so inspired by you! I am also losing weight and I just discovered Crossfit. I’m going to be catching up on more of your blog posts but HELLO…MARKY MARK?? I had to comment on this one. Always been a huge fan and the fact that you got a kiss from the funky bunch makes you my HERO!!!!!!

  • Maureen
    July 16, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    That is SUCH a cool memory to have!! The funny thing is, that back in 1999, I would have more jealous that you were in a picture with Stephen Jenkins than the fact that Marky Mark kissed you! LOL I was a TOTAL Third Eye Blind groupie at that time in my life! ;-)

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