Where There Is No Struggle, There Is No Strength

In a few words: I’m struggling right now.

With many, many things.

Adjusting to the pace and travel of my new position at work
I’m working more hours, juggling more projects and even though it’s been two months I still haven’t quite found a rhythm. I’m traveling more that ever and those days make me feel a little zonked. In an awesomely productive way! But dinner still needs to be made on those nights, you know?

Staying motivated to pursue my health and fitness goals
I don’t know if I will ever not struggle with this, mostly because my mind always at first defaults to goal/destination type thinking but in reality THERE IS NO END. Sometimes I think about all this work I have put into getting fit and healthy and then I think in a few short months I could get pregnant and everything will be different. Not that I would give up any of my health and fitness prioritization, but I would have to wrap my brain around new goals and thinking and that sounds freaking exhausting since I finally feel like I am getting into my groove after two years of work! Thinking about that makes me feel defeated. But that is so lame because I set out on this path specifically because I wanted TO BE AS HEALTHY AS POSSIBLE WHEN I GOT PREGNANT. Oh, irony.

Keeping up with all the ideas I have for this website, versus the time I have to actually execute them.
The amount of time I spend thinking about and executing pictures and posts and things for this blog is insane. It is a Full Time Hobby! But I love it. It is honestly one of my favorite things in life and it feels like such a luxury to be able to post here. But it is a commitment and a responsibility and I am definitely wrestling with the next steps. Do I monetize? Post less? Post more? Seek out guest posts? How does it fit in with the next few years? All of that.

Staying hydrated
Listen, there are days when I struggle with the basics here :)

Having enough time to relax and to pursue the fluffy things I love
Sometimes I want to just sit down and watch the entire first season of a television show in one weekend because my friends recommended it. Currently I do NOT have that kind of time. While I enjoy the fact that I don’t spend a lot of time with my television, sometimes a girl needs some quality time with the DVR.

Keeping myself from diving off the deep end nutritionally and just eating cake for a week.
I want to tell you my eating habits are poor right now because I feel like they are off the rails. But when I was describing this to a friend last night (hi Gina!) she was like “What, are you diving head first into the bread basket every night?” and the truth is, I’m not. It’s more like I’ve made dried fruit and dark chocolate a nightly habit instead of an occasional indulgence. But when you say that out loud, YOU SOUND LIKE A GIANT DOUCHE. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel any less out of control. And I don’t really…like feeling out of control because when I do it just sort of begets more similar behavior.

The truth is, I’m struggling with all of it right now.

It’s all kind of converging at once and the other day I had a long, dramatic feeling sorry for myself moment on my drive to work. I was lamenting my crazy-busy schedule, wishing that I was at home finishing up my book and catching up on my Real Housewives of Wherever. I had forgotten to pack breakfast. I was going to a meeting on my lunch break. It was just a melodramatic sob fest in my mind and then I thought to myself:

WAIT A MINUTE HOLLY, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO MAKES THE GOD DAMN SCHEDULE. GET IT TOGETHER.

So you know, I’m trying.

I’ve talked a lot here about trying to find balance, but recently everywhere I turn Danielle LaPorte keeps popping up purporting that life balance is a myth, and the pursuit of it is causing us more stress than the craving for balance itself.

I don’t really believe in coincidences so the fact that I keep reading this over and over in different shapes and forms makes me feel like maybe I ought to actually sit down and really digest that idea. If life balance is a myth and I should be pursuing my passions, where do I go from here? Because I’ve got a lot of passion up in here! :)

I don’t have any answers today or a great way to end this post or any grand epiphany to share, but in an effort to be transparent I just thought I needed to throw this out there. Life is really, really good lately — but also not without it’s challenges. And sometimes it’s nice to just say that out loud, and hope that by throwing it out there in the company of friends it will help me move on to the next chapter.

Happy Friday and here’s to hoping!

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23 comments to Where There Is No Struggle, There Is No Strength

  • Ellen
    June 29, 2012 at 9:08 am

    It’s good to admit you’re struggling I think. But not because anyone is going to tell you a magic trick to bail you out or because people will give you sympathy. But because saying it out loud makes it real. And when it’s real you can deal with it.
    I’ll never understand how people who blog as successfully as you do keep it all going. I know it must be an immense time suck. But you do a dang good job of it.
    So, hang in there. This too shall pass.

    • Holly
      June 30, 2012 at 10:15 am

      I couldn’t agree more. The second I let it all out I was like “Oh hey, this isn’t all that bad. Now get to work on it!” :)

  • Hannah
    June 29, 2012 at 9:09 am

    You are not alone in this struggle. I have had a week full of struggle, and I think some of my PCOS fog has caused most of my mental fatigue. I had a hard time with this amount of energy to even do simple things. Venting and knowing your not alone… I hope you get your shit together! lol It is easy for those of us who battle everyday of our lives to do what most people take for granted, to feel like we are going to have to struggle forever, and thinking like that only sets us back. (even though I know this, I still go to that dark place often) I had a friend post a cool fable if you will and I think you should here it.

    An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life…

    He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

    One wolf is evil — he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

    The other is good—he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

    This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.”

    They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

    The old Cherokee simply replied: “The one you feed”.

  • Erica
    June 29, 2012 at 9:46 am

    I have to say it’s good to hear that you are human lately! Your posts are all so amazing with the cooking and extreme fitness I was feeling like a slacker. Don’t worry, we obviously all go through times where we feel like we’re slipping. And if you do get preggers? Just throw all the feelings of control out the window. It’s great but it’s crazy-making. Hang in there!

    • Holly
      June 30, 2012 at 10:15 am

      I’ve replied to your comment twice now and both times my blog has deleted it. GRRR.

      Anyway…the jist is — YES, I’m human. Fo sho! Cooking and working out keeps me sane though so that’s why I’m so crazy about it. Also on the list: sitting on the couch and watching tv all weekend sometimes. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do, right? :) I guess I try not to be a super complainer around here because who wants to read that (and also: sometimes I don’t even want to WRITE that) but I gotta keep it real you know? Every day isn’t wine and roses and PRs at the gym. Sometimes it’s eating Taco Bell for lunch at my desk and then regretting it later. Awesome.

  • Jess
    June 29, 2012 at 10:03 am

    Reread that sentence about the bread basket. I’m certain you meant diving, but the other visual is making me think of a very lucky baguette. šŸ˜€

  • TenaciousCleo
    June 29, 2012 at 10:19 am

    Duuuuuuuude……I’m with you on all of these right now. Started a new job 2 weeks ago and haven’t had the energy to post on my own blog, even though I have tons of ideas. Like, metric tons of ideas. And haven’t had as much crafting time, cooking time, knitting time, husband time, pug time and friend time and am trying to refigure it all out with the new schedule. And sometimes, like last Saturday, I just want to come home and eat pizza. Bad pizza at that. Pizza Hut pizza. And I did it. And I regreted it. And I didn’t regret it. And ow I’m getting into the swing of things and really realizing what it’s going to take for me to figure stuff out and am realizing that it’ll all get done the way it needs to. Keep on keeping on!

  • Tamara
    June 29, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Have you read The Happiness Project, yet? I think you’ll like it, and I think it will help you hone what makes you happy and how to balance all of these things you love.

    Also, as for pregnancy… If you ever want to talk about body issues and pregnancy, let me know. It’s a mindfuck and a beautiful thing all wrapped into one.
    xo

    • Holly
      June 30, 2012 at 9:57 am

      I have. I LOVE that book. Maybe I should bust it out again! And you KNOW I will talk your ear off about all of that the second I get knocked up…maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

  • Melissa "Melicious" Joulwan
    June 29, 2012 at 11:10 am

    This post is so so so good. It’s tough for list-maker, goal-setter types like us to roll when our habits are in a state of flux. But you’ve done a bang-up job of setting up new habits for times just like this. This is WHY we take such good care of ourselves most of the time… so when life gets kerfluey we can loosen up a little, indulge, maybe have a bad habit or two creep up. You will figure out what’s next when the time is right. For now, go easy on yourself and trust that you’ll know what’s what when you need to.

    You are awesome.

    Believe it.

    • Holly
      June 30, 2012 at 9:56 am

      Thanks, lady. It’s true — a lot of this turmoil I feel is my own self imposed judgement…because I’ve got lists! and plans! and goals! And I’m not on track! YOWZA. I know in the big scheme of things it’s not a big deal. Things could be worse. And I’ll keep treading water until I figure out what direction to swim…. :)

  • Hannah
    June 29, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life…

    He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

    One wolf is evil — he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

    The other is good—he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

    This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.”

    They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

    The old Cherokee simply replied: “The one you feed”.

  • sizzle
    June 29, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    I’m in a similar boat. With the move, added commute time, and change in routine, I feel way off balance. I don’t see Darcy as much. I feel like I don’t have enough down time because any free time is devoted to doing house stuff. It comes off as complaining but really it’s just overwhelm. I know it will settle down eventually but I’m anxious for it to happen already.

    Here’s hoping we figure it out!

    • Holly
      June 29, 2012 at 1:25 pm

      Yes. Overwhelm! Every once in a while I’m like “Breathe Holly, Breathe.” Here’s to hoping for down time and awesome new routines in July!!!

  • San
    June 29, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    I can definitely relate to that feeling…. and sometimes, I think “I don’t even have kids yet”. With a full time job and workouts and so many responsibilities, it’s really hard to find the time to do everything that you want to do. I struggle with finding a balance myself.

    • Holly
      June 30, 2012 at 9:53 am

      Oh man…I think that to myself all the time…WHAT THE HELL HAPPENS WHEN WE HAVE KIDS!?!?!?! :)

  • Becky
    June 29, 2012 at 11:09 pm

    I hate when things get so busy that it interferes with my rhythm… I have just gone through a similar thing. Things were going along well, I was feeling happy and content, which in turn meant that my fitness goals were being met- eating right, I was on a normal exercise routine. Then Wham! road block (husband in car accident). Now he is off work trying to recuperate, and I am picking up extra hours whenever I can. My rhythm is definitely out of whack. I do have to say though, I found a little inspiration tonight after finishing a great book titled, “Get Well & Stay Well” by Steve Amoils, M.D. & Sandi Amoils, M.D.. It helped me to realize the importance of my health and that I need to quickly get back on the wagon again. I will get back in control! Thanks for your post. I truly needed to read it and vent tonight. Thanks for listening.
    http://www.getwell-staywell.org/

  • June Progress + July Intentions
    July 3, 2012 at 4:02 am

    […] figured it was partly because I was coming out of an overwhelmed funk. I mean, let’s be real, I’ve been getting a little emo around here lately. Then I […]

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