THANK GOD It’s Friday

You know what’s funny? When you wake up in the morning and you are all excited for the fun day you have in front of you and then? It sort of all goes to hell. This happened to me yesterday. Indulge me while I tell you about it, would you?

Woke up early (3:45! like a crazy person!), kicked ass at Crossfit and arrived at work by 7am with my second mug of freshly brewed Peet’s Holiday Blend. (It’s amazing this year! Really. Need a gift for a coffee lover: THIS IS IT.) So life was good.

I chatted with my mom for a bit and told her about the exciting evening ahead. Garrett and I were going to hit up the Library Galleria after work because Erik Larson was going to be there speaking and reading from his new book. I haven’t read it yet (I’m like number 200 in the hold queue at the library, SIGH) but he was going to be talking about his research and if there is anything that makes the historical dork in Garrett perk up it is the phrase “Hitler’s Berlin.” And I would be able to check off one of my 2011 Goals: See one of your favorite writer’s speak.

Life: Still Good.

And then, at about 10:30 Garrett called me to tell me our refrigerator died. Yep, this one. The one I nonchalantly said in that post that I hate, and couldn’t wait to get a new one. I guess I should have been more specific and said, I can’t wait to get a new one — but what would be great is if it would not die the week after we *responsibly* got new tires for the cars because it’s almost winter, and did some general car maintenance. And also if it could not happen a month and a half before Christmas. That would be great. Maybe another time. BUT NOT DURING THAT TIME!!!!!!! OK?

Editorial mistake, apparently. Lesson learned.

So. The fridge is dead. Ok. I won’t even get into that. But just let all the fun of that situation cast a certain shade of gray on yesterday so that we’re all on the same page. Then, during lunch, the easy breezy process of getting those *recently purchased tires* put on the car turned into a drama fest. Again, not even worth going into, but another shade of gray cast. Are you following me here? Then it took me 30 minutes to get out of the Costco parking lot because Old People Who Wear Matching Sweatsuits And Shop In The Middle Of The Day don’t understand that blocking the entire aisle of a parking lot while waiting for the mother of 4 to unload all of her groceries and get all of her children into her minivan IS NOT REASONABLE when that aisle is the only major exit out of the parking lot and it is THE LUNCH HOUR.

And then my head exploded.

But I got it together enough to finish my afternoon at work and head over to the mall where I had my annual eye appointment. I was feeling efficient, so I ran into Bare Escentuals to get some new foundation. The woman helping me tried to upsell me some other skin care crap (AT THE REGISTER) to help with “some of the breakouts in my chin area.”

NOT INTERESTED, WOMAN. BUT THANK YOU FOR POINTING OUT MY AWFUL SKIN DURING THAT TRANSACTION.

But I shook that off and headed to my eye appointment which was actually pretty quick and easy. The only thing that struck me was that it is really poor timing to have an eye appointment right after your birthday because it’s like, another year older another new prescription for your failing eyes, old person! I wanted to go home and eat an entire bag of carrots. They are magic for the eyes, right? Hey, maybe even for my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad skin too! I should let Ms. Bare Escentuals know that now that she has so kindly pointed out my skin problems, maybe I will get off my lazy ass and try to do something about them instead of just rubbing my face in the pepperoni pizza I eat every night. OH SHOULD I NOT BE DOING THAT?

Anyway, after my eye exam, it was time for me to pick out some new frames, and I was kind of excited about it. Accessory shopping is always fun, even if you do have to do it with those gunky yellow eye drops in your eyes that make you feel like Revenge of The Swamp Thing. But of course, if you follow me on twitter you know exactly how this went. If not, let me tell you.

I told the woman helping me that I hate my current glasses, listed out the reasons why they are sub par (they’re hot pink, the teeny tiny wire frames make the lenses feel disorienting, I feel like they look to small on my face) and told her specifically what I was interested in (sturdier, rectangular, neutral colored frames.) It should be noted that I was not bitchy about it at all. I was pleasant even though my eyes were gunky, and I was trying to be helpful so she didn’t pull a bunch of frames I would hate. And at the last minute I also said “Oh, and my refrigerator died today. HA! — So maybe if we could find a pair that weren’t a million dollars, that would be great too!”

This may have been where it began to go downhill. Again, I thought that would be helpful information. Perhaps not.

So she brought me back a handful of very tiny looking colored frames (Not what I asked for, btw). I tried one on and politely said “Hmmm…I don’t love the colors, but besides that I think these are going to be a little small. I have a very large head.” It’s the truth, people. It’s giant. LIKE AN ORANGE ON A TOOTHPICK. But whatever, it still works.

“Oh no,” she replied, “You are just a very large woman.”

::::blink blink:::::

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOkay.

There may have been a momentary curious head-cock, but I decided just to let it go and give Her Petite-ness the benefit of the doubt. I am 5’10 barefoot, and I was wearing 3 inch heels. MAYBE THAT’S WHAT SHE MEANT.

So then she brings me Round Two of frames. I find a couple I like, but the last few are sort of colored cat-eye glasses that just don’t interest me. Since I had found a few contenders, I kind of wrinkled my nose a bit and just said I’d probably pass on the retro frames.

“Just try them!” she insisted, “They’re very trendy right now. I want to see what they look like.” So I obliged. Like an ass. At this point I was just ready to get this show on the road so we could get to the library on time. And as I put them on she says:

“Well, you’re definitely no sexy librarian, are you now?”

Um, no. I’m not actually. And I really wish I would have told her I was a Sexy Assassin For Hire, because I was this close to busting out my Vulcan Death Grip. But I said nothing, you all. NOTHING. Because the sheer shock of the service was just hanging there in the air. So I picked my frames and told her I was ready to get going. And her final comment as I was putting my credit card back in my wallet was:

“Wow — that was a challenge! It’s so hard to fit someone with such tiny eyes and a wide face on a Refrigerator Budget. We did good work today!”

And then I died.

Well, that’s not entirely accurate. And then I tweeted. And tweeted. And tweeted. And many of you were lovely enough to commiserate with me, so thanks for that! And then I went home.

Honestly, at that point the whole experience of the day had sucked my desire to drive downtown in the rain, hunt for parking, and listen to anyone talk about Nazi’s. Instead I cracked open a very large bottle of wine and cooked a very delicious dinner with my boyfriend, who has never once called me Amazonian. I was sad to miss out on hearing Erik Larson, but you know, I’m no Sexy Librarian, so it was probably all for the best anyway.

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21 comments to THANK GOD It’s Friday

  • Tamara
    November 4, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    What the hell? The last thing she said to you? I would have been like, oh, yeah, and cancel that credit card transaction, give me your supervisor’s name and then run out crying.

    How do people like this have jobs? Seriously?

  • Lisa
    November 4, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    The sexy librarian thing freaks me out SO BAD. It’s all rude and horrible, but sexy librarian talk is just SO CREEPY.

    Sorry things are piling up on you lately. I feel your pain. We can virtually share a bottle of cheap wine through Twitter. (Not Boone’s Farm cheap, I’m not quite that desperate yet.)

  • bethanyrx
    November 4, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    HOLLY. What a day! That woman is NOT.RIGHT.IN.THE.HEAD.

    The last time I bought glasses I was looking at the cute little wire-frame-type ones too, but I also have the slightly-large-head problem. The guy helping me was like, “we may have to move into the men’s section to find something for you,” which of course ruffled the ol’ feathers a touch… so, I feel your pain.

  • Diane
    November 4, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    You should submit this to Etiquette Hell, seriously. I can’t even. It transcends bad customer service! It’s fully in RUDEST BEHAVIOR I’VE EVER HEARD OF territory.

  • Katherine
    November 4, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Oh, my goodness, I don’t want to defile someone else’s comment section – but what a ________ ! (insert foul language there, please).

    Well, you certainly handled that with more class than I would have.

    I hope Friday is better?

  • LizScott
    November 4, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    I was just thinking today that I want to go back and dance with gay men, and then read library books w/ you on the couch.

    That is all.

  • Jesabes
    November 4, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    I’m still just stunned this woman has a job in customer service.

  • Lauren
    November 4, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    You absolutely, 100% need to tell the manager about that experience. There’s no excuse for someone to insult a customer like that.

  • Melissa "Melicious" Joulwan
    November 4, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    OMG. This is the best post ever. I mean, I’m really, truly sorry you had such a horrible day. But dang! That is some funny writing, and, honestly, with someone that the woman at the eyecare store, you have to laugh, right?! I mean, really. She’s clearly wackadoodle.

    I should also say that the phrase “Hitler’s Berlin” also makes me sit up and take notice. WWII history is like catnip to me. I really want to read that Larsen book soon.

    Hope you’re having a better day today. And for the record, (1) I would love to be 5’10″ for a while, just to try it (I’m 5’4″) and (2) you are really pretty and super cute and smart.

  • Summer
    November 4, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    You are amazing! I love reading each and every one of your posts. While I did laugh several times because you are so awesome at painting a picture; I was equally horrified at what went down at your eye appointment. Please tell me you are going to call the manager or write a scathing letter?! Or maybe we just feel sorry for the woman’s tiny brain because clearly she’s an idiot!!

  • Erin
    November 4, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    Sorry to hear about such a poopy day. OMGosh on the fridge. Not cool.

    I would have left the foundation on the counter, spun around on one heel, and been out that door at lightning speed. Rinse, lather and repeat with the eyeglass frames. Drop, spin, leave. No words. It shocks the crap out of them. I had a sales lady follow me out of the store and halfway into the parking lot one time.

    Sorry to hear about a poopy day. Hope your Friday is better.

  • Elizabeth
    November 4, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    I don’t suppose you know where this lady lives, do you? Because I totally want to poop on her porch.

  • sizzle
    November 4, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    What. The. Fuck. with that bitch? OH MY GOD. She’s terrible. I would have tit punched her.

  • angela
    November 4, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Goodness what a day. I want to drop kick the beezy for you though…

  • Brittany
    November 4, 2011 at 10:14 pm

    OMG what a terrible day. Seriously. Who IS this woman?

    (P.S. I’m reading the Nazi book. It’s great. I would totally loan it to you if I didn’t just move away…)

  • Brittany
    November 4, 2011 at 10:16 pm

    One more thing… (sorry!)

    Bare Essentials always tries to sell me their skin care…

    I DON’T FREAKING WANT IT!

    (Ah. That feels better).

  • lindsay
    November 5, 2011 at 11:06 am

    Um Holly that is one of the most horrific customer service stories I’ve ever heard. Those women were rude morons, without a doubt.

  • Michelle
    November 5, 2011 at 11:44 am

    Next time you encounter a woman with this level of tactlessness, you are to say, as you walk out the door: “See You Next Tuesday!”

    C…..U…….N (ext)…..T (uesday)………

    Because that is the least you can do. Bravo on the tact. I would have probably stopped, looked her in the eye and said “Wow! Someone’s been regular about taking their Vitamin C**t!”

  • Maureen
    November 5, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    Wow, what a sucky day. How freaking rude of both those women, it seems like you entered the perfect storm of awful customer service.

    I started to share my own customer service experience of trying to buy a sports bra, but realized it was too long a story. Suffice it to say, a sport shop for just women, the owner calling me fat, me never darkening their door again. Oh, and their motto is something about encouraging women to lead active lives, but I guess they only meant thin women. Anyway, the best way we can combat this kind of behavior to to talk with our wallets, and find somewhere customers are treated with the respect they deserve.

  • AndreAnna
    November 7, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Ok, I don’t even have the brain power to get through the comments above after vacation, but I’m about to tell you something life changing: zennioptical.com

    I have about 10 pair of glasses all in different shapes and funky colors. Why? Because they’re $8. And they’re perfect and awesome.

    We forget that we own our medical records, including eye prescriptions. You get a copy from your doctor, fill in all the stuff online, and get whatever frames you feel like it. Or ALL! The! FUN! ONES!

    I’ve been using them for years, no problems. One of my friends whose husband is an eye doctor sends his patients there because he says optical stores and opticians are the biggest scams, ever.

    Also? Give me this bitch’s name and Jersey will hunt her like a dog.

  • Erica
    November 7, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    Holy cow what the hell? Really? I can’t believe Ashton Kutcher didn’t jump out and say you were being punked or something.

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